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<!DOCTYPE html>
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<title>Personal Writings</title>
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<li><a class="top" href="index.html">About</a></li>
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<h2>Personal Writings</h2>
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<h2>Article: Passion, Science and Me</h2>
<h5>My journey with dedication to science and overcoming personal obsticals, Jan 20, 2023</h5>
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<p>Devotion. Perseverance through adversity. Personal joy. Self Motivation. Passion has many meanings, it changes from person to person and influences us all differently. My relationship with passion is a complicated one, full of self doubt and conflicting emotions, where everything always remains just out of reach.</p>
<p>If it wasn’t obvious from the title my biggest passion is in science, more specifically astrophysics. The cover letters and personal statements I have written on my own small journey would suggest that I have always been incredibly passionate about science (it is after all what I said), but the reality is more complicated. The idea I always felt expected to display was one of certain and unchanging devotion to science. This always felt like I was playing a role, making a fantasy of myself to be the best potential student or employee. When I assumed this mentality I unknowingly did harm to my own mental health and self image, because I never felt like I was the person I was describing. This fantasy is largely damaging and can have significant consequences on the people.</p>
<p>Abit about myself. I am 23, but still feel like 16. I have had a rather easy life, my family never struggled financially and I had the support to do whatever I wanted. I went to a small school in west wales that like most of the UKs state schools was severely underfunded. From here I was lucky to be offered a contextual offer to university, as the school was in the lower percentiles of national performance. So I was admitted to study at the University of Bristol with only ABB, were the current requirements for my course is A*AA. From the first day I felt like an imposter, which was reinforced by knowing the majority of my peers had not been offered a contextual place. However, as I gained social and academic confidence this started to fade at least for a time.</p>
<p>Throughout most of my first degree I never really questioned my devotion to science, yes it was difficult and I struggled though many of my first and second year exams, but I was still there. The first time I questioned my passions for science was at the end of second year. I was originally enrolled in the 4-year MSc program, which required a minimum 2nd year grade of 60%. Unfortunately I was only able to achieve 56%, too far below the threshold to be retained on my program. So, I was moved to the 3-year course. This single event probably drastically changed the journey I was going to take to where I am now. When I was younger (15-16) I always saw getting into university as the biggest challenge. If I get in I am guaranteed a 1st and in 4 years time I will be an expert in science. That is seriously what I thought. The change of program, whilst not entirely disastrous, was the point where this fantasy I had completely broke down. I lost almost all passion for remaining on my course and even thought I would have been better off doing computer science, as afterall it had better career prospects. That summer was hard, I was living on my own working in the city at a bar earning only £6.50p/h making hundreds of cocktails that cost over £10 per shift, and not receiving any breaks. Whilst working I buried myself, focussed on money and when not working I spent many hours, sometimes even entire days playing games on my PC.</p>
<p>I ignored how I felt for a long time and just pushed on without talking to others. My Third year was comparatively successful. I worked hard and got better grades, and devoted myself to work. The initial motivation was just to get a 2.1 and leave. Get a job in development or similar in software and IT. My mind was in the gutter for most of this year, I was probably depressed and thought that it would all just go away if I just got a 2.1 and graduated. I used to enjoy drinking and going to a club, staying out late and using some recreational drugs, which was rare but I never turned down a joint. But I stopped that year, was reluctant to socialize and do what used to be fun. This year wasn't all bad as it ignited a passion that I had not realized I had and that was for research. The largest part of the third year was a big research project, I chose the topics rather reluctantly in second year as I did not see myself doing it yet. But I was lucky, the project I was given was studying galaxy clusters from X-ray observations. I had never realized how pleasing it was to handle real data from orbiting observatories and use it to learn from the largest objects in the universe. I worked hard, and used my own creativity to answer the research questions in the best way. I also put everything I had into the report, to me it was a 6 page masterpiece where every word was intentional and important to me. This project saved my degree, before I completed it my average was below a 2.1, and after it rocketed to halfway to a first. I did very well, and my work received a commendation.</p>
<p>This was when my passion for science reached its all time high and I graduated being excited at my future in science. It was also what motivated me to apply to study a 1 year MSc at Cardiff university. This was much easier to get into as it just required that I had a 2.1 which I did. My mental health at the time however was not good, the pandemic had made it deteriorate on top of its already fragile state. I thought that this would pass when I graduated, but it did not. I left feeling both passionate and debilitated. University was sold to me in pop culture, by my school and parents that it would lead straight into greatness, employment and wealth. But unfortunately I was a victim of the misleading narrative around higher education. This I believe can be best summed by saying that unique and high level knowledge does not lead to unique and high paying employment, in fact the competition was so high I felt like it was an insurmountable task.</p>
<p>Starting my MSc was a relief, moving somewhere new and starting a new chapter. My course was all done from my computer, despite being sold the promise of mixed learning (some combination of online and in person learning). Being shut inside, eating, sleeping and working in the same room did nothing for my mental health, but I persevered thinking it would pass when I graduate. This environment made me work more than I had ever before and my academic career dramatically improved. I went from only just scraping a 2.1 to getting 80% and 95% in courses, something I thought was unobtainable. My passion was at its peak, my academic confidence was in the clouds, and I thought that's what I needed. I could not wait to start my summer project.</p>
<p>This project was an application of computing skills with astrophysical research, and I was enthralled in it. I worked every day of the week, sat at my laptop, writing code and reading papers. I took the project in my own direction and made it better wherever I could. This was the first time I really felt like a researcher, a true scientist, finally the thing I was wanting to become this whole time and I put everything into it. When it ended, It felt like I had lost. I struggled towards the end and that showed in how I wrote it up. But I was still proud. I felt lost because I went from being surrounded by science, research and success. To sit in my childhood bedroom, waiting, eating and playing the same games as before. Science was gone, I could not get a job and I really did not want to wait to contribute to science. I had applied or a few PhDs, had one interview, but was offered no places. I had applied for many jobs, some refused on the basis of simple tests in the application process and others just never getting replied to. This left me with a large pit, I had nothing to look forward to. I thought my hopes of science were over. What made these thoughts very difficult was knowing how much I enjoyed it and the motivational words my supervisors had towards my potential. Perhaps I was not enough. I can never contribute and fulfill my passion. At this point in my life I was at a peak of academic confidence, but it was fragile.</p>
<p>The following year was probably the lowest I have ever lived. I went from the highs of academic success to stocking shelves and unloading lorries in tesco. Rumors were spread whilst I was there. He went to university, has two degrees and is stuck here like the rest of us. This was hurtful, not because there is anything wrong with making a career out of retail, but because I felt the same way and I did not expect to be in a place I could have been If I had just never gone to university. All I wanted was to do astrophysics research. My passion for science wetherd in this period and by the end thought I would never be a researcher. My passion to date still has not recovered to the same level, but it has recovered. I made many applications that year, many jobs and many PhDs. I spent most of my time outside of work writing CVs and personal statements. I usually did not receive a response. Later in February and March, I was invited to three PhD interviews, and one job interview. I did not get the job, but I was not too bothered. I attended the three interviews, they were weeks apart. I had hoped that I would get an offer before my last one but I did not. I went to the last interview, with no confidence of doing well. It was at the same place as the year before, in front of nearly the same academic panel. I did the interview, then just got on with my life. I had already accepted defeat.</p>
<p>About midday the following day I received an email. It was from the academic responsible for administering the application process. I got it. I was their first choice. The year before it took 5 days to get a rejection, but here I was not even 18 hrs after the interview getting an offer. I could not believe it! The offer was to study for a PhD in Physics at the University of Bristol. This was a funded position, so I was gonna be getting paid for it. The academic responsible for administration was my old BSc supervisor, he was absent from the panel, but was also one of my academic referees. I was going to be joining the group I had worked in before. My research was to be on machine learning and radio source multiplicity. I was a novice to radio astronomy, but I knew something about machine learning. The end was finally insight, I was to become a professional researcher.</p>
<p>This offer did not remove my doubts or return me to the post MSc high, but it did get better. My passion for science began to return and I was looking forward to starting, even though it was 6 months away. 6 months became infinite, but it did end.</p>
<p>Now I am in my first year of my PhD, I am making good progress on my research and I feel a part of the academic community. I still struggle with imposter syndrome, but I feel it is natural and will only pass with time. I nearly gave up and relinquished my passion for research. It really came close, but I persevered and here I am.</p>
<p>I acknowledge how lucky I am to be here. Whilst I did work really hard to be here, the truth is that most of it was not my decision. Most of my story highlights some of the mistruths told to those going into higher education. Yes, the work is hard. Yes, you need to go for some jobs, but the reality is different. Competition now is a lot more competitive. The years I applied for a PhD were some of the most competitive years ever seen for PhD applications, with my applications to Cardiff and Bristol in both years having over 100 applicants per position. This means that there were alot of disappointed students that were denied access to a research career. The same is said for the job markets, competition is brutal and this makes the process very disheartening. I am grateful that I was made an offer, and I do not want to waste this opportunity. Staying in academia after a PhD is also unlikely, postdocs positions are 10% of the number as PhDs, making it again more competitive. If this is what I decided to pursue after my 4-year PhD, I do so knowing the probability of staying in research at least in academia is very low due to government funding limitations and university financial structures. With a PhD, I will without a shadow of a doubt be recognised as a researcher and expert in astrophysics having contributed to our collective knowledge. The thing I have been striving for for such a long time.</p>
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<h2>About Me</h2>
<div class="fakeimg" style="height:100px;">Image</div>
<p>Some text about me in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim..</p>
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